So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
