mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
