i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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