This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
