Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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