there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
