WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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