WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
