I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
