you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
