just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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