Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
