No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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