she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
