Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
