I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
