that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
