You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My liver just broke up with me...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
