I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
