you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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