whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I deserve this hangover.
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