I CAN MOONWALK!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
