So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
