i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
