If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
