I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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