If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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