Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
