Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
