I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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