Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
