The maid of honor just puked.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
