I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
