he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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