I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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