My Higher Power is John Stamos
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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