Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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