The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
