My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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