there's paper in my vomit.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
