I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
