I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
