I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
