took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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