Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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