bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
