Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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