You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
