Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
