my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
