when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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