I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
