mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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