theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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